Blarghhh

Oh my goodness I've actually gone crazy.
It's been a really really crazy week! But a really happy one. And almost productive!

However.

I've started pondering stuff; I'm quite confused about where I sit. In particular: church.

Sometimes I wonder why it is we meet. I know I find when I get to church, I don't notice any particular goal to love God more. In fact, sometimes it makes me feel guilty about who I am, and what I like. I like ambition, motivation and dedication. And I like having them in my life. I don't think God would make me up that way to have to put it aside and question every single thing I do. And I'm pretty sure God doesn't want me feel guilty every second of every day.

But that's kind of how I feel when I go to church. Like no matter what I do, I'm a fake, and I feel guilty for not loving other people more, for being impatient, for not wanting to work in the church, for not helping out more in ministries. But I know if I did those last two now, my heart wouldn't be in it. I'd be bitter because I'd feel like I was being forced into it.

I guess what I'm saying is I feel like the focus is lost when I get to church. Like we slip into this discourse where we're not conversing with God, we're throwing these statements out there like 'give us ears to hear' that don't even mean anything. But they count because they sound good. It's almost like speaking Christian-ese, and it feels so fake! If only we were more genuine; I don't think I could love God in a gentle way, and to be honest sometimes I think I prefer to know he exists, and love him, but not let myself feel guilty all the time for not doing more.

I don't think I'm really explaining myself; I guess I think if I'm feeling like I'm only a real Christian if I do leadership, or take part in ministries run by the church or whatever, then really, I'm selling myself out. God still made me, and he wouldn't have given me the desire to succeed and to learn more, and work hard and all of those things if He didn't want me to use it.

Anyway, this was a ramble. Tell me if you think I'm totally off-base. All these thoughts get caught in my head and I never know where to go with them!!