self-obsession

I read a lot of the pretty, crafty blogs out there because they make me happy. There's lots of beautifully taken photos, creative and simple ideas, and really refreshing and calming posts about various, simple things in life.

Sometimes I'm sad my life isn't like that. I don't just sit around all day with my sole purpose to go to the post office and then make something for my mum/best friend/other. I can't sleep in and then just enjoy an unplanned and quiet day. Every second of my day is usually scheduled or at least partially scheduled a week or so in advance. I have classes to go to, study to do, essays to write/procrastinate about, work, tutoring, Salt, dance, socializing, family time, coffee to drink, the gym and sorting out the ridiculous dramas that seem to currently define me. Some of the time, I really resent it all. I want to be able to not set an alarm every morning so I can hurry through every second of the day to get stuff done and then not really appreciate the day for what it was. Or, choose not to do everything I need to do but have that nagging feeling of guilt whirling around my head. I'd love to be able to give more of myself to help people, and see people, and love people.

At the same time, I love productiveness. I think I was programmed with ambition and (occasionally present) motivation to be organized and get stuff done. I like to jam pack my day with a thousand different things, and I like opening my diary and seeing it all written in full the things I have to do, and the ticks or lines through the things I've already done. I like to feel accomplished and like I've succeeded with my time. But I suppose sometimes it's really important to slow down.

I'm really good at beating myself up about things. In particular, caring about other people; I never feel like I do it enough. I can never give all of myself to making sure everyone else is okay. At the moment, my brain is so self-absorbed with all this crap I can barely look at other people sometimes. And that is a really unhealthy and unsatisfying way to be.

And so, I have set myself a goal. After exams (because uni really does have priority), I will slow down a bit. These may just be empty words, because I make myself busy even if I'm not. But when you are mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, everything-ly exhausted, it might be the best time to force it. I will stop drinking five coffees a day and embrace the other fun parts of life. It will be summer, and there's the beach and billions of people who need loving everywhere.