a big rant

I'm really good at saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. I'm really good at being blase about too many things, until they get so big that dealing with them is way too difficult. I'm really really good at keeping my distance, or being close to lots of people to avoid having one really strong connection. I'm good at avoiding what I know I should do to. I'm also very very good at procrastination. I really like honesty, but it scares me a lot. I pray that I could be dedicated and focussed. I wish I could set realistic goals. I wish I could finish my to-do lists. I'm really good at not taking things seriously to avoid getting upset and hurting others. Which just leads to getting upset and hurting others. I can light a fire, and I can listen to you talk, but I can never tell you 100% what I'm thinking. I waste hundreds of hours to avoid failure. My perfectionism and people pleasing mean I can't get out of vicious cycles of wanting what I don't have. I don't know what I want right now. I don't really know what God wants right now. I just want to hide in my room and eat and waste time and pretend there is nothing important I'm being called to do so I don't fail at it and hurt you. I want to be uncommitted to everything so that i don't hurt those bonds of commitment. I want to get those stupid things right. I want to stop pretending to have life together and actually get it together. And I'd like to work out how to surrender all that too.

One day.

What could you ever trade your soul for?
_{- Mark 8:37}