emily is being lame today

Sometimes life just does things you don't expect it to, and even weirder, sometimes you do things you didn't expect to.

Perhaps an example would work here; whilst I stuff up many things, and make more mistakes than is humanly possible to comprehend, I don't screw up exams. I don't screw up my timing, I get everything down, I feel confident with how I do, no matter what I say, and I never doubt my ability to do well in an exam situation. But today, everything felt off. I hadn't fully prepared, I was a bit iffy on a few areas of law, I was nervous, overtired and a little down. And I went in, screwed up the timing, spent forty five minutes on a ten mark question and left myself thirty minutes for a twenty five mark question. I could not comprehend how that happens. I never get my timing off in an exam. I never have to rush through questions. I ended up doing something I didn't expect to, and as I result I'm overly confused.

This weekend has been full of these strange experiences where I don't understand what has happened, and completely didn't expect any of it. I've felt all these emotions that don't regularly crop up in my life, and if they do, I am good at putting them aside and pushing through. Things like anxiety and sadness, stress and confusion, uncertainty and loss. I feel like an emo kid, those people who are always sad about something, and that frustrates me more cos I can't stand that type of life. But this will pass of course.

There are a few things that are beyond me; how to deal with certain things, how to not expect much but give lots, how to expect a lot but appreciate when it doesn't turn out, how to stay focussed and not burn out, how to know for certain something is right. These are just some examples, I could say so much more. I wish I knew how to say the right thing, or be the strong person who could understand and lift people up from how they're feeling and what they're doing. Maybe one day it will all come to me, I always hope that as I get older I'll get wiser and more able to understand and be compassionate. Hopefully it's coming, cos I'm not doing too well on that front right now.

I have learnt some things though; be patient. Don't be upset if you fail, keep trying. Keep rational thoughts close at hand. Keep people you love close at hand. Do your all to make sure they're happy. Do what you say you will do. Be willing to change and adapt, and not be the best. And most of all, love properly, because otherwise there is nothing left.