* Skankism: the religion where one worships the supershort skirt and mini shorts, and the massively huge sunnies - the size of your sunnies and the length of your skirt have to be equal. If the sunnies are bigger than the skirt, that's ok. If the skirt is bigger than the sunnies, then you are committing a religious scandal and will be excommunicated.
* Emoism: the religion where one worships the bleak, dark wall of depression. Religious customs include sitting in a dark corner, often having thoughts of death and sharp razors, wearing incredibly dark eyeline that reaches from the line of your eye to halfway down your face, ensuring you have red patches in your dyed-black hair and living only to wear something with checks. To wear a colour other than black, red or white offends depression even further, causing it to become more depressed, causing the fool to wear such an offensive colour to kill themselves, after writing a depressing poem. If you want to speak to a follower of Emoism, you must not laugh, smile, giggle, wear colour or do any act which may be interpreted as expressing happiness.
* My-dadism: this is a very exclusive religion, reserved only for the few who a) have dad's WORTH boasting about or b) are good at making UP dad's worth boasting about. As a very select part of society, faithful followers of this religion will raise their hand at any time in life to interject a fantastic point of view, ALWAYS beginning with 'My dad...' It is rare this point of view will ever be valid, or of interest, or even relevent to the topic discussed, but the faithful follower of this religion won't mind. There is no point trying to stop this religion from running its course - the members will only contradict your complains with a statement of 'My dad...'
* Did-you-knowism: also a very exclusive religion - you're only able to be a part of this religion if you a) believe you know everything or b) actually do know everything. So you can see that majority of members are a part of the first segment. Members of this religion tend to start every third sentence with 'Did you know' and when a question is directed at a completely different person, will answer immediately, filling their answer with as many lengthy words and pointless syllables as possible. NEVER ask a question within a ten metre radius of members of this religion, as you will no doubt be forced to eventually listen to ten minutes of linked 'did you know' quotations and eventually get an answer to the meaning of life, instead of 'What time was I supposed to turn off the bomb in the escalator?'
* Footballism: Passionate followers of footballism will only remember there is life other than statistics and football ladders during the off-season. And even then, that time is dedicated to ensuring all important information is firmly fastened within their brain, to hold six hour conversations on the topic. True members of this religion are able to recite every football player in every club since its humble beginnings as the VFL and can tell you who kicked what goal in what second of each game - including ad breaks. Whilst generally accepted by the wider public as fountains of knowledge during game season, these members of society are generally shunned during the off season. Unless your name is Eddie Maguire - then you are shunned for all of eternity.
* Ditzism: This religion is difficult to define, and even harder to follow consistently, however many find it their religion of choice when in the companionship of males. A religion reserved for the female population, favourite catchphrases and beginnings of prayer to ditziness generally begin with 'OH my gosh, you would NOT believe...' and copious amounts of giggling, along with exchange of meaningless gossip. Many members of ditzism also often revert to becoming completely helpless at everyday actions, requiring the help of the opposite sex to help them with such tasks as telling the time and spelling 'cat'. As this religion tends to be an easily adapted and then thrown away one, it is hard to determine if you are a true follower. Although - most of the time, if you are, you're too ditzed out to notice.
* Boxershorterism: A religion only for the guys. The religion where one pays respect to their beliefs by ensuring their boxers reach their waist and their shorts reach their knees. Boxers should be one colour, or have offensive/hilarious slogans on them. This religion has been sweeping the world, with many males showing their respect. However, the spread of this religion has also lead to a higher percentage of wedgies and dacks per capita.
* Emoism: the religion where one worships the bleak, dark wall of depression. Religious customs include sitting in a dark corner, often having thoughts of death and sharp razors, wearing incredibly dark eyeline that reaches from the line of your eye to halfway down your face, ensuring you have red patches in your dyed-black hair and living only to wear something with checks. To wear a colour other than black, red or white offends depression even further, causing it to become more depressed, causing the fool to wear such an offensive colour to kill themselves, after writing a depressing poem. If you want to speak to a follower of Emoism, you must not laugh, smile, giggle, wear colour or do any act which may be interpreted as expressing happiness.
* My-dadism: this is a very exclusive religion, reserved only for the few who a) have dad's WORTH boasting about or b) are good at making UP dad's worth boasting about. As a very select part of society, faithful followers of this religion will raise their hand at any time in life to interject a fantastic point of view, ALWAYS beginning with 'My dad...' It is rare this point of view will ever be valid, or of interest, or even relevent to the topic discussed, but the faithful follower of this religion won't mind. There is no point trying to stop this religion from running its course - the members will only contradict your complains with a statement of 'My dad...'
* Did-you-knowism: also a very exclusive religion - you're only able to be a part of this religion if you a) believe you know everything or b) actually do know everything. So you can see that majority of members are a part of the first segment. Members of this religion tend to start every third sentence with 'Did you know' and when a question is directed at a completely different person, will answer immediately, filling their answer with as many lengthy words and pointless syllables as possible. NEVER ask a question within a ten metre radius of members of this religion, as you will no doubt be forced to eventually listen to ten minutes of linked 'did you know' quotations and eventually get an answer to the meaning of life, instead of 'What time was I supposed to turn off the bomb in the escalator?'
* Footballism: Passionate followers of footballism will only remember there is life other than statistics and football ladders during the off-season. And even then, that time is dedicated to ensuring all important information is firmly fastened within their brain, to hold six hour conversations on the topic. True members of this religion are able to recite every football player in every club since its humble beginnings as the VFL and can tell you who kicked what goal in what second of each game - including ad breaks. Whilst generally accepted by the wider public as fountains of knowledge during game season, these members of society are generally shunned during the off season. Unless your name is Eddie Maguire - then you are shunned for all of eternity.
* Ditzism: This religion is difficult to define, and even harder to follow consistently, however many find it their religion of choice when in the companionship of males. A religion reserved for the female population, favourite catchphrases and beginnings of prayer to ditziness generally begin with 'OH my gosh, you would NOT believe...' and copious amounts of giggling, along with exchange of meaningless gossip. Many members of ditzism also often revert to becoming completely helpless at everyday actions, requiring the help of the opposite sex to help them with such tasks as telling the time and spelling 'cat'. As this religion tends to be an easily adapted and then thrown away one, it is hard to determine if you are a true follower. Although - most of the time, if you are, you're too ditzed out to notice.
* Boxershorterism: A religion only for the guys. The religion where one pays respect to their beliefs by ensuring their boxers reach their waist and their shorts reach their knees. Boxers should be one colour, or have offensive/hilarious slogans on them. This religion has been sweeping the world, with many males showing their respect. However, the spread of this religion has also lead to a higher percentage of wedgies and dacks per capita.
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